STORY TIME: Barry Bonds Bail Bonds

One day, this absolute idiot made a business based off of his name.

His name was Barry Bonds.

No, not that Barry Bonds.

It was this other guy named Barry Bonds.

Ok, so this guy was a real dunderhead.  He was an absolute dunce and he decided it would be funny if he named his bail bonds business "Barry Bonds Bail Bonds."  The real Barry Bonds saw this and of course Barry Bonds was mad.  He was all like, "Uh, hey, I'm Barry Bonds.  What's up with you using my name?"  and the owner was all like, "You listen here, Barry Bonds.  I'm also Barry Bonds and I have the right to sell my Barry Bonds Bail Bonds under the Barry Bonds Bail Bonds name!"

"Well, I'll see you in court.  Mr. Bonds..."  He replied.  Barry Bonds then stormed out of the place.

"I need a drink," said the worse Barry Bonds.  Barry Bonds then took the lonely walk from his Barry Bonds Bail Bonds store to the bar.

"What'll it be?" The bartender asked.

"Tomato paste."

"Coming right up."

"Wait a second."  Barry Bonds lifted a finger, "shaken, not stirred."

"Ok mister.  You want to pay now or put it on a tab?"

"Tab."

"What's the name?"

"Bonds, Barry Bonds."

*jazzy music began to play*

Just then a spy jumped out behind the bar.  Barry Bonds wrestled him.  The spy choked him.  Barry Bonds then got him into a sick armbar.  This armbar was so sick.  He should have never got out of it.  Then, wow, he did.  He got out of it.  Then Barry Bonds took out a gun.  Frickin' shot the guy.

"That takes care of that," said Bonds.  He lifted up the glass of tomato paste to his mouth and chugged it.  "Ahh, nothing like tomato paste in the morning."  Just then a man in the corner began to clap.

"Very good Bonds," a familiar voice said.  A newspaper shrouded his identity.  He lowered it.  It was Barry Bonds.

"Mr. Bonds.  I apologize.  Please don't sue me."

"Bonds, I've been keeping a close eye on you.  I think your ready."

"Ready for what?"

"Ready to become one of us....Mr. Bonds let me ask you something.  How do you think one man can hit so many home runs?"

"Uh, steroids."

"Wrong.  Guess again."

"Uh, human growth hormone?"

"Wrong again.  Don't you get it Mr. Bonds.  There isn't just one Barry Bonds.  There's an entire legion of Bonds.  Thousands upon thousands of unique, yet identical Barry Bonds at the ready to absolutely crush the longball."

"Do you mean..."

"Yes, Barry Bonds.  We need you."  Just then dozens of Barry Bonds flooded the bar.  They all repeated in unison: "Barry Bonds, we need you.  Barry Bonds, we need you."

"But what if I don't want to be Barry Bonds?  What if I just want to be the lowly bond salesman, Barry Bonds of Barry Bonds Bail Bonds?  What's wrong with that?"  The Barry Bonds replied:

"It is your destiny!  Barry Bonds!  Barry Bonds!  Barry Bonds!"  The group approached.

"I'll never join you!"  Barry said.  He took one Barry Bonds with his hands and crushed the dude's freaking huge skull.  Then he bashed two other Barry Bonds' heads in.  Then he took a wrench out of nowhere and bludgeoned a bunch of the guys with it.

After that, he got behind the bar and took a swig of tomato juice.

Then, using the power of tomato juice, he freaking kicked all these guys heads off.  It was wild.

"There, that's the last of them," said Barry Bonds.  "But what will become of baseball?  They've lost their best player, or is it players?  I can't tell anymore.  All I want to do is sell bail bonds."  Then the cops showed up.

"Sir, did you kill all these guys?"  The cop asked.

"Yeah, I'm sorry," said Barry Bonds.

"Do you realize how many bail bonds this is going to take to pay for??"

"I do now."  Barry Bonds hugged the cop.  This was the first time he'd ever felt good about himself.  He wasn't the worst Barry Bonds after all.  In this moment, he was just a guy named Barry Bonds, the dude who sells bail bonds at his store, Barry Bonds Bail Bonds.  For Barry, this was enough, this and the tomato paste of course.

THE END