STORY TIME: The First Female Santa

Ok, so Tim Allen finally died and now we have a female Santa.

This is the first female Santa in history.  Her name used to be Jenny but now her name is Kris Kringle, St. Nick, etc.

Initially, some people were mad about this online.  They were all like, "Oh, Santa is a woman now?  What the heck?"  These people were just scared of change and needed to be mad about something online.  Some other people wrote thinkpieces.  The thinkpiece people were all like, "Hey, excuse me.  Why can't the new Santa be trans?  Why does our Santa have to be a white woman?"  Thses people had a point.  I'm sure a trans person would be great at being Santa.

Personally, I wanted to be Santa.  I was all like, "Hey, wait a second.  I want to be Santa.  I think I would be a great Santa."

That's actually not true.  I would have been a horrible Santa.  Tim Allen was okay at being Santa, I guess.  Our new Santa rules though.

Jenny makes everyone feel good and warm.  She is nice.  She eats cookies and had a big belly.  Jenny is what every good Santa should be.

Screw you if you don't think Jenny can be Santa.

Could you figure out the logistics of delivering every child in the world a toy in one night?  No, of course you couldn't.  You can't figure out how to unsubscribe from Facebook emails.  Jenny can get the job done.  The fact of the matter is, Jenny accidentally killed Tim Allen and now she's Santa, ok?  What about that is so hard to understand?  Geesh.

New Santa rules.

Santa, if you're reading this:

Please get my brother a new bike.  I also would like a few DVDs.  

Thank you Santa.

Good luck tonight.  We love you.  

Love,
Ronnie