STORY TIME: I Found Acclaimed Novelist Jonathan Franzen's Wallet

"Excuse me sir!"

That's what I said as the G train left the Naussau Ave station on a snowy day in Brooklyn.  I checked the wallet for any identification.  To my surprise the wallet belonged to acclaimed novelist Jonathan Franzen.

I thought about returning it and I probably will someday but right now I just like impressing friends by showing them Jonathan Franzen's wallet.  He has a library card (classic) and a gift card to Target.  He also banks with Bank of America.  I kind of hoped he banked with a credit union and not some corporate evil bank.  The most messed up thing Jonathan Franzen had in his wallet was probably a picture of a horse.

I guess Franzen just carries around a horse picture wherever he goes.

This is the picture he has, kinda weird

It's hard to tell if the picture is of his horse, or a friend's horse or if it's a horse that died and he's mourning the horse.  To be honest, the picture just looks like a stockphoto of a horse.  Nothing more, nothing less.

I keep showing all this stuff to my friends.  They think it's cool.  I'm cooler now and my friends like me more.  

THREE YEARS LATER.

I'm walking out of Target, putting my money back in Jonathan Franzen's wallet.  A young man walks up to me.  "Hey, man.  Nice wallet.  Where'd you get it?"

"Oh, this wallet? I held it up."  I was surprised by the compliment.  "It's a funny story.  This wallet actually belongs to acclaimed novelist Jonathan Franzen."

"Oh, yeah?" The man said.  "Well, Jonathan Franzen is my dad and I'm gonna kick your ass!"

I ran down the street away from this man.  I ran and ran.  I ran some more.  I ran all the way to Nicaragua.  I'd heard it was the least touristy of the Central American countries.  Why not?  Nicaragua was fantastic.  I had a nice time there.  I was really proud of myself for making the most of a reasonably priced vacation.

Then to top it all off, I spent the money I saved going to Nicaragua instead of like Belize or something on postage.  I express delivered the wallet back to Jonathan Franzen.  It really sucks losing your wallet doesn't it?

THE END