STORY TIME: The Straw Man Argument

THE CASE FOR A STRAW MAN

Number 1: Crows

Crows keep coming and taking our crops.  A straw man would stop them.

Number 2: It Looks Cool

Having a Straw Man would look cool in our yard.  We want to be cool.

Number 3: Tourism

People love Straw Men.  They would pay to see him.  We would make money.

THE CASE AGAINST A STRAW MAN

Number 1: Oh, so we don't care about crows now?  Crows are majestic birds.  They just want to eat.  Let them eat! You hate animals.

Number 2: Oh, so we just want to look cool now?  That's what this is about?  Looking cool?  All you care about is looking cool.  

Number 3: Oh, so all we care about is money now?  Money is the most important thing?  Making money?  I don't think so.  All you care about is money.

Checkmate.

Vote for or against the Straw Man in the comments.

THE END

STORY TIME: Eat'n Park Has Good Cookies...But I Just Read Online They Use Dead Pony Bones To Make The Icing

Eat'n Park is a regional restaurant chain with locations in western Pennsylvania, eastern Ohio and West Virginia.

They have pretty decent food.  They also have ATMs at every location which is very convenient.  The ATMs were originally owned by SkyBank but then in 2007, Huntington Bank bought SkyBank.  Classic Huntington.  The ATMs are now operated by a third-party company known as Allpoint.  Allpoint was founded in 2003.

None of this is that important compared to what I'm about to say next.  The thing about Eat'n Park that is the most important is their cookies.  Everyone loves these cookies.  They have smiley faces on them.  There's a blue smiley one and a yellow one and a red one, I think.  People go nuts for these.

Here's a Steelers one.  People like this one.

Well anyway.  I read online when I was on Facebook at work that they make the frosting from freaking dead pony bones.  Isn't that gross?  This guy in Altoona gives these ponies the Eat'n Park cookies and they keel over and just die.  It's horrible really.  These Eat'n Parkers are just crazy really.  Can you believe this weird guy takes all these pony bones and sends 'em out in barrels to the 69 various Eat'n Park locations all across Western PA and freakin' West Virginia and out to Youngstown and freakin' Wheeling and all the way out to freakin' Canton?

What's wrong with this guy?  He's messed up, that's for sure.

Well that's what I read anyway.  

THE END

STORY TIME: Powdered Mini Donuts Make Me Hungry But Also Allow Me To Feel

I love powered mini donuts...but not for the reason you think.

I like donuts because they allow me to access my emotions.  

I'm not a very emotional guy and I rarely let anyone know what's wrong.  That all changed when I started eating donuts.  

Maybe it was the heart in the Hostess logo or perhaps the font of the Hostess logo but whatever it was it broke down the walls I was putting up in my life.  

Every time I need to feel something I just eat mini donuts.  This may seem unhealthy due to the contents of the mini donuts.  I've decided however, to judge myself by the contents of my character.

One time Kroger was out of powdered mini donuts and I had to get chocolate.  I was so furious I started throwing bags of donuts at the guy in the deli.  He didn't deserve that at all.  If I'd had powered mini donuts none of this would have happened.

I'm not allowed in Kroger anymore.  The manager suggested I go to therapy.  I might check it out.  

Hopefully, therapy has donuts.  The right kind of donuts.

THE END

STORY TIME: Maritime Law Doesn't Matter In Pools Apparently

"Ok, in my defense, there was absolutely no way I could have known that maritime law doesn't apply in pools," said Craig.

"What do you mean, Craig???"

"Maritime law.  The law of the seas?  Aunt Bev, you've never heard of Maritime law?"

"We're not at sea!"

"I know but how was I supposed to know that?"

"You were in our neighbor's pool!  You popped little Mark's raft and almost drowned him!"

"Yes, Aunt Bev and under maritime law that's perfectly legal.  After said raft popping, according to the United Nations Convention on the Law of the Sea, I can scuttle that raft.  It's the Law of Salvage."

"How is Mrs. Withers supposed to feel?  Am I supposed to explain to her the Law of Salvage?"

"Yes, of course.  Any citizen of the world should be privy to the Law of Salvage."

"You are in big trouble, buddy."

"Maybe with you Aunt Bev but in the eyes of maritime law, it's smooth sailing from here."

"Get in the car."

THE END

STORY TIME: I'm Not Sure What I'm Typing Right Now Because I'm Illiterate

I'm so illiterate and dumb it's not even funny.  I am so mad that i'm illiterate.  I can't read at all.  Hopefully, some of this makes sense.  I need a hobby that's not being mad that I can't read. 

Do you have to read to become a sailor?  I bet they have charts.  Damn, I kind of wanted to be a sailor for a second there.

Hopefully, my ignorance and sheer lack of literacy isn't bothering you as a reader.  I'd really like to be literate.  

This sucks man.  However, learning to read is worse.

THE END

STORY TIME: No One Wants To Arm Wrestle Me At Math Camp

I'm so mad.  No one wants to arm wrestle me at this math camp.  I am much stronger than all of these children.  These kids don't care about arm wrestling at all.  I can tell that none of them have seen Pumping Iron OR Generation Iron.  These are textbook examples of great bodybuilding documentaries.

The only thing these lames care about is the Fibonacci Sequence.  Ugh! Boring.  Do you think Branch Warren got where he is today by caring about Italian mathematician Leonardo of Pisa?  Anyone can draw a dang spiral.

Also, no one besides me has even attempted the ropes course at math camp.

I guess this is what I get for being a 26-year old man who accidentally signed up for a middle school mathematics summer program.

I'm sick of these smarty-pants kids.  Take your math and shove it, Fibonacci!  I don't need you.  I'm going over to poetry camp to see what they're up too.

Math is for chumps.  Poetry is for closers!

THE END

STORY TIME: I Learned Portuguese Out Of Spite

I do not find the Portuguese language to be particularly interesting. 

I have no interest in traveling to Portugal.  I have no interest in traveling to Brazil.  I have no interest in traveling to Angola either.  I cannot stand traveling or meeting new people.  New people are the worst.

Nevertheless, when my uncle told me I couldn't learn Portuguese, I learned it just to spite him.  My uncle is such a jerk.  I spent twenty years mastering the Portuguese language just to teach him a lesson.  That'll show him!  Guess what Uncle Wally?  I learned Portuguese.  

I can't wait to see the look on my Uncle Wally's face when he finds out I learned Portuguese.  All he does is sit around and watch a VHS copy of old episodes of The Best Damn Sports Show Period.  

Uncle Wally can't even speak Portuguese.

Wait...

I guess Uncle Wally would have no way of knowing if I actually learned Portuguese or not.

Is this a prank?

Was Uncle Wally pranking me?

Now I'm even more mad, in two languages no less.  

Ai meu Deus!

Now, to spite Uncle Wally, I will hit myself with a baseball bat in an attempt to unlearn Portuguese.  

That'll show him.

THE END